Sunday, March 17, 2013

What Would I Do As Owner of the Red Wings?

     Now this is only for fun and not really what's going to happen, so many of you hardcore Red Wing fans please don't attack me for this blog. But I've had a few thoughts run through my head on my way home from work that I want to share. I'm going to share with you what I would do if I bought the Detroit Red Wings from the Ilitch family, inspired by this great O&A bit:

  • I'd relocate the Red Wings from Detroit to... Grand Rapids!! I'd keep them in Michigan, only I'd move them to the western part of the state and rename them the Grand Rapids Chiefs. I'd swap out the Chiefs for the Grand Rapids Griffins and have the Griffins play in Detroit.
  • So now that the Chiefs have relocated to the growing city of Grand Rapids, I will demand that NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman move the Chiefs to the Western Conference. I don't care if the fans hate it, I will berate that curmudgeon to move us out West until he does it.
  • I will have a squad of attractive strippers who'll pose as cheerleaders dressed in schoolgirl outfits (Of course wearing Chief jerseys over the schoolgirl outfits). Yes, there will be stripper poles in the arena. So bring your kids and $1's for the entertainment.
  • I'd get rid of the bland, boring goal horn that the Chiefs once had and replace it with a goal horn similar to that of the Washington Capitals: But instead of "Song 2" by Blur, the song that'll be playing for the goal horn will be "Rock and Roll Part 2" by Gary Glitter: And instead of chanting, "YOU SUCK!!" after the "HEY" part, Chief fans will chant, "GO SCREW!!" And every time the Chiefs score a goal, lights will flash, a disco ball will be spinning, and lasers will be pointing all around the arena.
  • There will be pictures of me to show how great I am as an owner. There will also be a gold statue of me outside of the Van Andel Arena to commemorate my awesomeness.
  • I'd lower ticket prices.
  • I'd copyright the term "America's Team" exclusively for the Grand Rapids Chiefs so that everyone can get behind the Chiefs. That's right, Jerry Jones. GO SCREW!!!
  • Intermission performances will include Busta Rhymes, Wu-Tang Clan, Louis CK, Godsmack, and other acts/musical performances.

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