Thursday, July 5, 2012

Justin Verlander Facts

     I'm bored out of my mind. So here are some Justin Verlander Facts. You might've known these things about JV:

  • Chuck Norris is Justin Verlander's grandfather.
  • Achilles didn't die by getting shot in the heel by Paris. It was a 100 MPH Verlander fastball that killed him.
  • Brad Penny dated Karina Smirnoff, but Justin Verlander plowed through Kate Upton.
  • Justin Verlander once got bit by a rattle snake...... After three days of pain and agony...... The rattle snake died.
  • When Justin Verlander does a push-up, he isn't lifting himself. He's pushing the earth down.
  • When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Justin Verlander and his heater.
  • The reason why Chicago's called "The Windy City" is because Justin Verlander sneezed there.
  • Justin Verlander is the reason why Waldo is hiding. 
  • Justin Verlander delivered Tim Tebow.
  • Justin Verlander once urinated in a semi truck's gas tank as a joke. That gas tank's now known as Optimus Prime.
  • Justin Verlander is the reason why Lebron traveled.
  • While Chuck Norris can rotate the earth fast with a roundhouse kick to a person, Justin Verlander's fastball can create galaxies and universes.
  • The only things that will survive a nuclear war are cockroaches, Dick Cheney and Justin Verlander. Cheney would later be killed by a 101 MPH Verlander heater.
  • Justin Verlander once lit a fart on a dare. The result was the Great Chicago Fire of 1871.
  • Jesus drinks Miller Lite. Justin Verlander drinks a dozen Red Bulls.
  • Justin Verlander can win a game of chess using only one pawn and a breaking ball.
  • Earthquakes occur when even the ground trembles every time Justin Verlander's around.
  • Justin Verlander murdered the kid who invented the 69 joke with a 100-MPH fastball in the top of the 9th. Why? Because only Verlander knew the kid's deep dark secret...
  • Seal Team 6 didn't kill Osama Bin Laden. Bin Laden was killed and no-hit by Verlander's heater to win the game for the Tigers..... And America.
  • Justin Verlander's tears can take rust off of ships.
  • Justin Verlander doesn't care for the "MarineLayer".

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